hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Randomize
