Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
Randomize
