I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Randomize
