I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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