So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
