Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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