My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
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