Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
