so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
