I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
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