I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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