just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
