someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
