jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
