I am midnight drunk by noon
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
