Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Randomize
