I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
