Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
