3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Randomize
