i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
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