Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
