dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
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The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
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I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
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