checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
