I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
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