i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Randomize
