so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
