your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
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