She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
