call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Randomize
