My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
I would fuck him just for his dog
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