omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
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