it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
