every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
