Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
