my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
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