dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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