do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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