I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
