Thanks for last night it was amazing as always
What are you talking about
You've got to be kidding me
Taylor Swift is so right about you.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
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