Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
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