So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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