he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize
