The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Randomize
