She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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