I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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