I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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