anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
