So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
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Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
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the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
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