I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Randomize
