I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
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