just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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