with your own penis?
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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