I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
