Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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