ya dads aren't the best wingmen
youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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