Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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